Teaching

Lately I got a job teaching kids at a science camp and let me tell you it is exhausting.  Next week, when I’m used to working like this, I will wrote more. These past few days I have been passing out at around 7 pm and waking up at 5 am. I also dyed my hair blonde. Khan didn’t seen to care, I change my hair color quite a bit. 

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Sleepless Nights

Many days, more than I would like, are bad nights for me. Some nights, are terrible. From panic attacks, paranoia, flashbacks, and hallucinations of moving shadow men, my nights keep me up. Without my meds I am incapable of sleep, but even some nights, such as tonight as I am writing this, I just cannot fall asleep. I would not dare take anymore sleep meds as I have to be up at 6 to get ready for work. Lucky for me, work ends at 4, unlucky for me, I have to watch kids for gymnastics. With only a 2 time hour slot for a good power nap I know tomorrow is going to be very very looong. I wanted to write what I do when I cannot sleep, why I cannot sleep, and something that is always on my mind.

When I was younger, I would read. I would do this now, but I have something that 10 year old me did not have. A phone. YouTube horror and information videos are my go to sleep aids. Something about someone droning on about the creatures in the sea helps me to fall asleep easier. Books wake me up, when I read I am immersed in the story, no way out once I start. I would bake, but who has the money, well, what college student has the money to bake sweets every night.  I would love to start reading more “sophisticated” , “mature” books, as my go to guilty pleasure, and really my only pleasure, is reading supernatural romances. I want to read Asimov, maybe King. Something “Grown up”. I feel if I read this genre of book it will help me to mature and grow up as a person. as well as help improve my knowledge. Maybe my writing will get better, maybe I realize some life changing epiphany and drop out of school and become the female Bill Gates, least likely, but it could happen.

Most people ask me how khan helps me during my sleepless nights. God knows when I have really bad nights, there is only so much he can do before paramedics have to intervene. But Khan helps turn even the smallest problem and attack into something that 10 year old me could have handled. I have a bad history of holding things in, holding until I just snap one day, and I snap hard. My body is the main  target. Littered with scars and heart failure my body has taken quite a toll, and I am still under 20 years old. This type of problem had become natural to me. Never sleeping, and battering on my body until I end up weeks to months in the hospital learning more and more hobbies that just hide problems. Khan has come to help me realize I can’t just hold everything in, sometimes I need to cry, I need to shout, to voice my opinion. As my designated shrink, Khan has heard more stories than a avid reader. But just being able to sit in bed and tell Khan my worries about failing college, to how I can’t feel hunger or Full signals, and how I love my family and friends, gives me clarification that I am alive. When I am in a crying fit he immediate comes to me like my knight in shiny armor to pressure therapy heal. And when I am in the bathroom contemplating on taking a razor to my wrists, Khan comes and pushes me out of the bathroom, jumps on the bed, and does his doggy smile at me. As if he is saying it will be OK, he is a constant reminder of how far I have come, and how far I will go. Saving me from myself, and showing me how much I love life.

 Being alive, although tough, is the best gift ever given to me. Some nights, while Khan is asleep to my side and Yoda lays on my chest I think back to one hospital visit I won’t ever forget, or let go. Screaming and yelling at my parents to just let me die, thinking why did they have to be so damn persistent on me living, when all I wanted was blissful end, or so I thought I wanted. At the time I was mentally and physically unstable. My heart was at risk of failure due to my anorexia and Bulimia, my body fighting against the bottle of pills I had swallowed, and my mind, tricking and pulling me more and more towards suicide. I remember laying in that hospital bed, my dad sitting across from me, crying, his little girl was begging to die, I would have cried too. But he tried to stay strong for me, he has always been so strong. And my mother, she was dried up from crying so hard, and yet some tears still came as I looked right inter her eyes and asked for them to just let me die. Thinking back, I can not believe how selfish I was to want to throw away the most precious gift my parents ever gave to me, my life. Here I was, begging for them to throw away years of life they have worked so hard to provide for me, down the drain, all because I had given up on my self. At that point I was done. I was done with the sleepless nights, done with the flashbacks of sexual assault, and I was done being me.  Its what my parents did that day, that has helped me go through every obstacle in life with my eyes forward. They stuck by my bed side all day, even when they were asked to leave for me to get tested they were just outside the door.  It makes me cry, because when I was born my mother told my dad to follow the doctor that took me away for cleaning, to follow me, and make sure I was safe. He has never stopped following, making sure I was safe, and that day was what made that even truer. Them staying by me, ignoring my pleas for death, and holding me as I cried is what got me through life even to this day. Khan, my friends, and family, yes are a big help. But my parents are my world.

When things get hard for me, I immediately call my parents up, when something exciting, or boring happens to me, I call my parents. I want them to know the gift they gave me that I almost threw away so selfishly is being used, and being used in the greatest way I can. I am not perfect. I never was, and never will be, at least in my eyes i won’t be. But in my parents eyes, I am the most perfect, along with my perfect siblings, we are all perfect in our parents eyes. I took what they gave me for granted when I was younger, now, I don’t.  And though we will fight, its typical to disagree sometimes, I will always take what they tell me to heart. i think some lighter talk now would be good, as even as I wrote this I was crying. So ill talk more about my mom and her consistently calling my male cat a she.

My mother likes to call my baby boy Yoda a she, ALL THE TIME. I do not know how many times I have had to correct her that Yoda is a Tom Cat, not a female cat. But in her words, he is just too pretty to be a boy cat. I don’t see it, in my eyes Yoda is the manliest man cat there is. Just like Khan is the toughest handsome good boy there is. But don’t take my word for it, Ill just post some pictures of my handsome boys and you can be the decider.

Cleaning My WHOLE Apartment: Kitchen update

So as I said before in a recent post I wanted to clean and reorganize my whole apartment. A clean environment is a clean mind. Now I thought I could finish this cleaning project in a day, but that would not be possible as I took a nap that was very much needed. So I have made a plan to clean a few hours a day until I am happy with the ending. The biggest thing fr me is reorganizing my bedroom and living room, theses are the rooms I am in the most and I want to feel comfortable. Just like my mother I love to move furniture around until I am satisfied. Same thing with my kitchen, I get very nervous stepping into a kitchen, in my head the minute I am in the kitchen I gain 10 pounds. So making the kitchen less scary and inviting really helps me to eat and not feel so anxious. ways I make my kitchen inviting is to not have clutter on the counters. Clutter makes me think of a ton of food, and a ton of food makes me think of a ton of calories. So I try to put foods away in a shelf next to my kitchen that holds just my grains, cereals, pastas, and just boxed and canned foods. On my counters I actually got a container from my closet, that is used for shoes, but I use this container for my tea and cocoa that I regularly drink so its out in the open and calming. Next I have a bowl I spray painted my self to be more of my coloring to hold all my bananas and apples, my go to foods.  Then next to my bowl of fruit, I have two wire tall book holders to hold my jams and peanut butters. Next to all that I have a little container to hold my oil, popcorn oil, and syrups for pancakes. Ill update this post later with pictures, but the kitchen has always been a scary but fun place for me. I love to cook, especially for others. making the kitchen more inviting to me is another step in recovering from my eating disorder. Khan even has his own shelf space for all his goodies, which he regularly takes out to eat. Iv’e only really cleaned my kitchen, but when I finish other areas I will be sure to share!

Love Juli & Khan,

BYEEEEEEEE!!!

Busy busy busy

Lately I have not had the time to sit down and just write. I’ve been redoing my whole apartment. Organizing everything and just super cleaning so that my mental health gets cleaner. Y’all know the saying, a clean life is a clean mind. I’m also trying to get my carpet teared out and vinyl wood out in, same as my kitchen. Khan has been taking advantage of the good weather and has been sun bathing on the patio greeting anyone who walks by with a smile and a sniff. Yoda just lays there ignoring everyone like a good kitty.  I’ll have a more updated and longer post later today after I finish cleaning. I wanted to share my thoughts and mind behind what I was doing. So to hold people on here is a cute picture of Khan and Yoda. 

Gymnastics

I started gymnastics when I went into college, my college had a club team that accepted beginners such as myself. To this day I am so happy I joined. It has been the greatest experience to this day, and though it is hard to stay healthy mentally and physically, gymnastic helps. The people on the team make me smile and laugh, they cheer me up when I have had a bad day, which is very common for me. I try to incorporate Khan into gymnastics with me, but he gets too worried when I fall and gets in the way. So he is safer at home. Mostly when I workout at home he will always be right next to me, making sure I am ok and breathing. When I do planks or any type of and Khan watches and probably wonders what the hell I am doing. If I had to choose between gymnastics or tennis I would say gymnastics because I can be silly in floor routines. I can be silly in tennis, but they don’t play music in tennis to points to Gymnastics!

Here are some pictures I took from gymnastics earlier this year.

Love Juli & Khan,

BYEEEEEEE!!!!!!

Update on my Running- Juli And walking-Khan

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I believe I have been 2 weeks in my summer goal of being more active. so far things have been great, I still feel pretty lazy but I can tell my body is feeling a lot better now that I am not eating crappy fast foods all the time and exercising regularly. Though lately I have been craving Chipotle more and more, is that a side effect of becoming more healthy, wanting to eat at Chipotle, is this a disease? The food is yummy, so it does not matter, but my cravings for bad food in general are starting to go away, and my cravings for whole foods like fruit and veggies is a lot higher. I recently found this YouTube channel called Tasty, AND I AM IN LOVE. Many of their recipes I want to try out, especially since they put a healthy twist to all my favorite foods, and yummy twists on other foods I love. Mozzarella onion sticks are one of the recipes I am eager to try out, I know my BF will love to be my taste tester as all men love food.20170605_143827

Recently I have been trying really hard to get my 3 mile run down to 30 minutes, so far I am at 42 minutes, my first time running the 3 miles was completed in 50 minutes. 50 minutes was not bad, especially for my firs time in a while running it. Now before people go “You should not just start at 3 miles, you will get hurt” I did not start right at 3 miles, my first week I worked myself up to 1 mile, second week 2 miles, then at the end of the week I did 3 miles, even now I only run 3 miles once a week to see my progress. Everyday I do run 1-2 miles, and walk Khan for 1 mile on top of that.

In the mornings whenever we wake up Khan and I like to go on our 1 mile walk, taking our time and just enjoying the scenery on campus and around. Most of the time by the end of our walk we are both pretty woken up and loose for the upcoming day ahead of us. After our walk I feed khan his food, and I make breakfast. Lately I have just been eating cheerios. I would make other meals, but I am to lazy to really make pancakes AND clean up after myself. But I think I want to try and make more smoothies and oatmeal, I want to expand what I eat and make it as colorful as I can. Eating better breakfast will make running in the afternoons easier if I am well fed and energized. And maybe with more clean eating I can get better at running as well as build up muscles for gymnastics. More on gymnastics tomorrow.

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My run so far.

Love Juli & Khan,

BYEEEEEEE!!!!