Sleepless Nights

Many days, more than I would like, are bad nights for me. Some nights, are terrible. From panic attacks, paranoia, flashbacks, and hallucinations of moving shadow men, my nights keep me up. Without my meds I am incapable of sleep, but even some nights, such as tonight as I am writing this, I just cannot fall asleep. I would not dare take anymore sleep meds as I have to be up at 6 to get ready for work. Lucky for me, work ends at 4, unlucky for me, I have to watch kids for gymnastics. With only a 2 time hour slot for a good power nap I know tomorrow is going to be very very looong. I wanted to write what I do when I cannot sleep, why I cannot sleep, and something that is always on my mind.

When I was younger, I would read. I would do this now, but I have something that 10 year old me did not have. A phone. YouTube horror and information videos are my go to sleep aids. Something about someone droning on about the creatures in the sea helps me to fall asleep easier. Books wake me up, when I read I am immersed in the story, no way out once I start. I would bake, but who has the money, well, what college student has the money to bake sweets every night.  I would love to start reading more “sophisticated” , “mature” books, as my go to guilty pleasure, and really my only pleasure, is reading supernatural romances. I want to read Asimov, maybe King. Something “Grown up”. I feel if I read this genre of book it will help me to mature and grow up as a person. as well as help improve my knowledge. Maybe my writing will get better, maybe I realize some life changing epiphany and drop out of school and become the female Bill Gates, least likely, but it could happen.

Most people ask me how khan helps me during my sleepless nights. God knows when I have really bad nights, there is only so much he can do before paramedics have to intervene. But Khan helps turn even the smallest problem and attack into something that 10 year old me could have handled. I have a bad history of holding things in, holding until I just snap one day, and I snap hard. My body is the main  target. Littered with scars and heart failure my body has taken quite a toll, and I am still under 20 years old. This type of problem had become natural to me. Never sleeping, and battering on my body until I end up weeks to months in the hospital learning more and more hobbies that just hide problems. Khan has come to help me realize I can’t just hold everything in, sometimes I need to cry, I need to shout, to voice my opinion. As my designated shrink, Khan has heard more stories than a avid reader. But just being able to sit in bed and tell Khan my worries about failing college, to how I can’t feel hunger or Full signals, and how I love my family and friends, gives me clarification that I am alive. When I am in a crying fit he immediate comes to me like my knight in shiny armor to pressure therapy heal. And when I am in the bathroom contemplating on taking a razor to my wrists, Khan comes and pushes me out of the bathroom, jumps on the bed, and does his doggy smile at me. As if he is saying it will be OK, he is a constant reminder of how far I have come, and how far I will go. Saving me from myself, and showing me how much I love life.

 Being alive, although tough, is the best gift ever given to me. Some nights, while Khan is asleep to my side and Yoda lays on my chest I think back to one hospital visit I won’t ever forget, or let go. Screaming and yelling at my parents to just let me die, thinking why did they have to be so damn persistent on me living, when all I wanted was blissful end, or so I thought I wanted. At the time I was mentally and physically unstable. My heart was at risk of failure due to my anorexia and Bulimia, my body fighting against the bottle of pills I had swallowed, and my mind, tricking and pulling me more and more towards suicide. I remember laying in that hospital bed, my dad sitting across from me, crying, his little girl was begging to die, I would have cried too. But he tried to stay strong for me, he has always been so strong. And my mother, she was dried up from crying so hard, and yet some tears still came as I looked right inter her eyes and asked for them to just let me die. Thinking back, I can not believe how selfish I was to want to throw away the most precious gift my parents ever gave to me, my life. Here I was, begging for them to throw away years of life they have worked so hard to provide for me, down the drain, all because I had given up on my self. At that point I was done. I was done with the sleepless nights, done with the flashbacks of sexual assault, and I was done being me.  Its what my parents did that day, that has helped me go through every obstacle in life with my eyes forward. They stuck by my bed side all day, even when they were asked to leave for me to get tested they were just outside the door.  It makes me cry, because when I was born my mother told my dad to follow the doctor that took me away for cleaning, to follow me, and make sure I was safe. He has never stopped following, making sure I was safe, and that day was what made that even truer. Them staying by me, ignoring my pleas for death, and holding me as I cried is what got me through life even to this day. Khan, my friends, and family, yes are a big help. But my parents are my world.

When things get hard for me, I immediately call my parents up, when something exciting, or boring happens to me, I call my parents. I want them to know the gift they gave me that I almost threw away so selfishly is being used, and being used in the greatest way I can. I am not perfect. I never was, and never will be, at least in my eyes i won’t be. But in my parents eyes, I am the most perfect, along with my perfect siblings, we are all perfect in our parents eyes. I took what they gave me for granted when I was younger, now, I don’t.  And though we will fight, its typical to disagree sometimes, I will always take what they tell me to heart. i think some lighter talk now would be good, as even as I wrote this I was crying. So ill talk more about my mom and her consistently calling my male cat a she.

My mother likes to call my baby boy Yoda a she, ALL THE TIME. I do not know how many times I have had to correct her that Yoda is a Tom Cat, not a female cat. But in her words, he is just too pretty to be a boy cat. I don’t see it, in my eyes Yoda is the manliest man cat there is. Just like Khan is the toughest handsome good boy there is. But don’t take my word for it, Ill just post some pictures of my handsome boys and you can be the decider.

Cleaning My WHOLE Apartment: Kitchen update

So as I said before in a recent post I wanted to clean and reorganize my whole apartment. A clean environment is a clean mind. Now I thought I could finish this cleaning project in a day, but that would not be possible as I took a nap that was very much needed. So I have made a plan to clean a few hours a day until I am happy with the ending. The biggest thing fr me is reorganizing my bedroom and living room, theses are the rooms I am in the most and I want to feel comfortable. Just like my mother I love to move furniture around until I am satisfied. Same thing with my kitchen, I get very nervous stepping into a kitchen, in my head the minute I am in the kitchen I gain 10 pounds. So making the kitchen less scary and inviting really helps me to eat and not feel so anxious. ways I make my kitchen inviting is to not have clutter on the counters. Clutter makes me think of a ton of food, and a ton of food makes me think of a ton of calories. So I try to put foods away in a shelf next to my kitchen that holds just my grains, cereals, pastas, and just boxed and canned foods. On my counters I actually got a container from my closet, that is used for shoes, but I use this container for my tea and cocoa that I regularly drink so its out in the open and calming. Next I have a bowl I spray painted my self to be more of my coloring to hold all my bananas and apples, my go to foods.  Then next to my bowl of fruit, I have two wire tall book holders to hold my jams and peanut butters. Next to all that I have a little container to hold my oil, popcorn oil, and syrups for pancakes. Ill update this post later with pictures, but the kitchen has always been a scary but fun place for me. I love to cook, especially for others. making the kitchen more inviting to me is another step in recovering from my eating disorder. Khan even has his own shelf space for all his goodies, which he regularly takes out to eat. Iv’e only really cleaned my kitchen, but when I finish other areas I will be sure to share!

Love Juli & Khan,

BYEEEEEEEE!!!

Update on my Running- Juli And walking-Khan

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I believe I have been 2 weeks in my summer goal of being more active. so far things have been great, I still feel pretty lazy but I can tell my body is feeling a lot better now that I am not eating crappy fast foods all the time and exercising regularly. Though lately I have been craving Chipotle more and more, is that a side effect of becoming more healthy, wanting to eat at Chipotle, is this a disease? The food is yummy, so it does not matter, but my cravings for bad food in general are starting to go away, and my cravings for whole foods like fruit and veggies is a lot higher. I recently found this YouTube channel called Tasty, AND I AM IN LOVE. Many of their recipes I want to try out, especially since they put a healthy twist to all my favorite foods, and yummy twists on other foods I love. Mozzarella onion sticks are one of the recipes I am eager to try out, I know my BF will love to be my taste tester as all men love food.20170605_143827

Recently I have been trying really hard to get my 3 mile run down to 30 minutes, so far I am at 42 minutes, my first time running the 3 miles was completed in 50 minutes. 50 minutes was not bad, especially for my firs time in a while running it. Now before people go “You should not just start at 3 miles, you will get hurt” I did not start right at 3 miles, my first week I worked myself up to 1 mile, second week 2 miles, then at the end of the week I did 3 miles, even now I only run 3 miles once a week to see my progress. Everyday I do run 1-2 miles, and walk Khan for 1 mile on top of that.

In the mornings whenever we wake up Khan and I like to go on our 1 mile walk, taking our time and just enjoying the scenery on campus and around. Most of the time by the end of our walk we are both pretty woken up and loose for the upcoming day ahead of us. After our walk I feed khan his food, and I make breakfast. Lately I have just been eating cheerios. I would make other meals, but I am to lazy to really make pancakes AND clean up after myself. But I think I want to try and make more smoothies and oatmeal, I want to expand what I eat and make it as colorful as I can. Eating better breakfast will make running in the afternoons easier if I am well fed and energized. And maybe with more clean eating I can get better at running as well as build up muscles for gymnastics. More on gymnastics tomorrow.

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My run so far.

Love Juli & Khan,

BYEEEEEEE!!!!

Relax Day with Khan and I

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On days where I do nothings and feel like doing nothing Khan and I make ourselves into little Mexican burritos and stay in bed all day watching videos on YouTube. Recently we have been playing Zelda, but also I have been wanting to watch more anime so one I am currently trying to finish is Brothers Conflict. I really love very BoyxBoy anime, just like any weabo does hahaha. Khan really does not watch, duh he is a dog, but he does take his naps more often on relaxation days. I really use relaxation days to wind down and give my self a day to just not stress about anything I need to do. Its a day all about doing nothing. Usually what I eat on this day is also never really something I would eat on any other day. Raw cookie and brownie mix and bags & bags of chips are the norm on relaxation days. Usually these food can be very scary for me to eat, BUT I LOVE IT SO MUCH. So giving myself this day to just piggy out makes me feel better for the rest of the week. So far the days I relax on differ, I have been trying for Sundays, but really whenever I feel my mental health becoming very loud i’ll drop everything and relax day it out. Iv’e decided to make a list of things you can do on relaxation days that I do that could also help others when life gets to be to much.

Things to do While laying down-

  1. Sleep
  2. Sleep
  3. Sleep
  4. Did I mention Sleep
  5. Read anything, even labels (if you are really bored)
  6. Watch videos on YouTube (Learn to Box Braid)
  7. Watch Really Anything
  8. Contemplate life (Should you Buy more shoes…YES)
  9. Eat (Become a Black Hole..Nothing survives)

Things to Do While sitting

  1. Sleep (my dad sleeps sitting…I know its weird)
  2. Smoke ( If your a puff Train)
  3. Eat 
  4. Watch Tv
  5. Read
  6. Knit ( Or just stab Yarn, we don’t judge)
  7. Sew (stab your fingers)
  8. Just stare at the wall ( mmmm Johnny Depp)

These are just some of the things i’ll do to relax, and on relaxation days with khan and I we try not to do anything that seems like copious amounts of work. Sometimes Khan won’t even get out of bed, lazy boy. The overall theme of relax days for Khan and I is so do nothing and be nothing, we meld into the bed as much as we can.

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Switch Gaming with Khan and I

I got the switch for my birthday after so many months of begging and pleading. and when I finally got it Khan and I were both so excited. Me for being able to play the new AWESOME Zelda game, and Khan for the game distracting me from him eating stuff out of the fridge! Most of the time when I play on the switch I’m either laying in bed with Khan asleep next to me or on the toilet playing with khan sitting at my feet, EITHER WAY IS PERFECT FOR ME, I also play while cooking for Khan and I and feeding Yoda. That’s what I love the most about the switch, its easy to play anywhere I want, and not to big to so Khan can lay his head on my lap while I play!

Khan and I when we first got the switch!

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Derpy face!!

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Bf Playing for me!

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Sniff Sniff SNIFF!!

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Can I play?-Khan

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Hurry up!-Khan

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Nap Time!

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The Zelda game is so big and open that I have played for days and still have not seen or beaten everything, which for a Zelda game makes me so happy as the story line and theories that come with the game makes me ecstatic. Though what did make me so angry is I suck at fighting and shooting, never have been good at aiming in games. So my Boyfriend had to help me defeat some monsters that I could not get away from. Which led him to make fun of me until the end of time! I like to think I have gotten better….I haven’t, but that doesn’t matter because I love playing, even if I do die every 2 steps! My friend Chy even tells me I such at shooting, we used to play shooting games all the time, well she did, all I could and wanted to do was watch.At least my other friends sucked at shooting games too, Rach and Adam and Jacob could never aim like I could, but they were better than me. I really love playing, but also watching theory videos on YouTube, my favorite is Timeline placement of BOTW and how in Majora’s mask link is dead and Termina is the afterlife, which I don’t think is the case, but it is fun to hear and research.

Hello!-Juli and Khan

This is the post excerpt.

Hi my name is Juli, and this is my service dog named Khan.  For my whole life I have lived with mental disorders that make it harder for me to function in life. When I got Khan things started to get better, I was happier, and he made it easier for me to go on living. So I thought why not show what we do everyday and on every little adventure we go on, and went on. It seems fun to me and Khan loves taking pictures and videos, so why not start a blog! I also have a white cat named Yoda that will appear quite a bit since he is a camera hog!! I do not mind questions and I actually love them as I am quite a Chatter box, just be respectful to Khan and I!

 

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I already know people are going to ask what breed Khan is, he is a Great Pyrenees. When I got him he was almost three years old. Now he is almost 5 if I remember correctly. Right now we are attending college in Texas, It is very hot so I keep him hydrated and cool, just as I keep myself hydrated and cool. I love the color purple and I do like to dress up Khan and Yoda, especially for holidays so I am excited for upcoming holidays. This first Blog post was to just say hello and for me to just start out, trust me I hope it will get better. My goal for this blog is to just have fun and be creative. I want to share how Khan helps me as well as how much I love him.

 

Love Juli & Khan,

BYEEEEE!!!